5 Things

5 things you probably didn't know about me:

1. I hate talking on the phone. There are only a few exceptions. One is my mother. I will always talk to her at length about everything and nothing. Another is if I miss you and am feeling exceptionally chatty. And finally, if I need something from you, ring, ring. Other than that I'm probably going to stay on the line only long enough to share or receive information. Its nothing personal. My dad is the same way; I blame him.

2. I love mayonnaise. Really. I use way more than I should on a sandwich, burger or wrap. I even dunk my fries in it. But I feel guilty about it, shameful even.

3. I own a gun. Again, when your father is a firearms and toolmarks expert it just sort of happens.

4. I have a very short fuse. I may have mentioned it before but I think it bears repeating. Due to my mostly shy and quiet exterior its actually quite comical if not a little alarming when I turn into the hulk. A few examples of me going off the deep end: If I bang my head or bash my elbow I will immediately proceed to slam my fist into the nearest unforgiving surface (I'm not patching any Sheetrock just because I hit my funny bone). Another time, I slammed an ashtray into a table which in turn shattered the ashtray into my palm. Stupid right? I know. I am not ignorant to the fact that I am now the role model to a strong willed, stubborn little person watching, absorbing my every move, every outburst waiting to make them his own when frustration strikes.

God sent me Liam, to teach me patience and humility... and he tests me everyday.

5. Prior to having Liam, I was a bully. no lie. Whenever I would drink, there would come a point in the evening of consumption when I would have one too many and become... volatile. To the point where something (anything) Chris would say would upset my precariously unbalanced emotional state and BOOM, I'm all:

"You're going to bed? Oh, so what, you're tired and you're just going to leave me down here? Fine GO AHEAD I don't give a... wait, where are you going? DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! You don't respect me!" And then I'm following him upstairs crying because I cant stay in a relationship where I'm not respected. Knowing the drill, Chris just shakes his head at me and pretty much ignores my ranting until I pass out. End scene.

Listen, we all have a little bit of crazy in us. Thankfully, I outgrew mine. sort of.

wasn't me.

He was supposed to be sleeping...

...instead he was tearing the place apart. Busted!

The high cost of making memories..

This is Liam's second Christmas. I had it in my head that I'd like to try and get a picture of him with Santa every year until he refuses out of fear or pre-teen embarrassment. So it was with this goal in mind that we headed to the mall yesterday evening to make a memory.

Now I know what brand of crazy I am to be braving the mall only 5 days before Christmas. All the same I rationalized, we've got no where to be tonight, so we'll just take our time, get a bite to eat and roll with the punches. Little did I know how very foreshadowing that thought was.

So Chris, Liam and I get to the mall about 4:30. We park three quarters of a mile away in the only open spot in the whole lot and proceed to trek in. We make our way to the "North pole" and find that the line isn't long at all. I'm thinking: this is a Christmas miracle! There are, maybe, 5 groups ahead of us in line and I've estimated a 20 minute wait in line. With both Chris and I here, that is do-able. One of us waits in line while other chases after Liam as he runs through the mall dodging and weaving through the masses. Its fun. really.

So after we snake through the empty roped off maze we take our place in line. Someone raising their voice immediately grabs our attention. Its the woman second in line, she is angry. The elf in charge of ushering children in to see Santa has just spoken to the group of people waiting at the head of the line. I couldn't hear what she said but whatever it was, it made the woman in line IRATE. She begins yelling at the elf in a thick accent I cant quite place "I have two children who have been waiting already for 20 minutes!" the elf nods her head knowingly and just points to the cardboard sign she is holding. I try to get a glimpse of it but there are too many people ahead of me blocking my view. As the woman's protests get louder families start ducking out of line. I'm totally oblivious and think, keep on yelling lady, you're scaring everyone ahead of us away! I've moved up considerably in line and can now see Santa sitting in his big throne of a chair surrounded by beautiful poinsettias both large and small. In my head I think: those are poisonous, but not enough to kill you. To the left of the throne is a tall green Christmas tree with twinkling lights and a shiny gold star. Scattered around the foot of the tree are decorative boxes wrapped in glittery paper and big colorful bows. Its really quite pretty and not make-shift at all. Santa's got a little boy on his lap and is trying desperately to ignore the commotion that's happening just a few short feet away from him. But he cant focus on the kid, not when there's a crazy lady flapping her arms and pointing in the usher elf's face. Santa's eyes keep wandering in our direction. He cant help it. As the camera elf attempts to get keepsake picture of this kid with Santa a security guard approaches. He's older than your typical mall guard, I always think of kids in their early twenties but this one is maybe 50. The uniform is ridiculous though. He's got a badge pinned to his shirt, a utility belt with only a flashlight, walkie-talkie and a log book. And the Pièce de résistance: a stetson hat. I'm ALWAYS reminded of a Canadian Mountie. Sans horse and dignity. It just looks silly in a mall. He asks what the problem is and before usher elf can open her mouth the lady begins her rant again. "WE HAVE BEEN WAITING IN LINE FOR MORE THAN 20 MINUTES AND JUST NOW SHE INFORMS US THAT SANTA IS GOING ON BREAK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" The stupid security guard totally misses her point and replies: "20 minutes is not a long time to wait to see Santa." This only pisses the lady off more. "20 MINUTES IS A LONG TIME TO WAIT FOR TWO YOUNG CHILDREN, BUT WHAT IS INFURIATING IS THAT THEY ALLOWED US TO WAIT IN LINE ALL THIS TIME WITHOUT INFORMING US THAT THEY WERE NOT TAKING ANY MORE VISITORS UNTIL 6 PM.

Wait, what?

I look at the clock, its just about 5. That means if we want to keep our place at the front of the line we'd have to stand here for an hour and wait. No friggen way.

Suddenly, with all the information put into perspective I get it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I certainly wouldn't have made a scene, but if I had been waiting for 20 minutes before they told me I'd have to wait another hour, I too would have been frustrated. Chris and I left the scene at the north pole before seeing how it wrapped up but I'd bet a fair amount that that women got her kids in to see Santa before he went and got himself a number 3 combo at china express. But at what cost? When she looks at her keepsake photo from Christmas 2010 what will she remember?

We wont have a 2010 picture of Liam with Santa but when I think back, my memory will be that instead of waiting in line to see Santa we ran through the mall and played in the play place.

Well, that and the grown woman who threw a temper tantrum in line waiting to see Santa.

Prelude to a tantrum

Much like learning to distinguish between your newborn's cries, learning to 'read' your toddlers non-verbal cues is an essential skill for preventing monster meltdowns. I've learned to pay attention to Liam's expressions, they say it all...

"This sucks, pay attention to me"

"This sucks, get out of my face"

And my personal favorite: "aww mom, you're a bitch!"

Double trouble.

I'm the kind of mom that doesn't really care if her kid drinks juice on the couch or runs around sans diaper and wees accidentally on the floor. I didn't always take this approach to parenting but once Liam became mobile I found it exhausting (not to mention annoying) to try and micro-mother him. When little accidents happen I just clean it up. The 15 minutes of peace I get from not chasing him around nagging is totally worth the 15 minutes it will take to clean the pee out of the rug.

Its All About Balance.

So naturally when I presented Liam with crayons and a coloring book at the kitchen table I didn't pay any mind when he climbed off the chair and toddled off crayons in tow.

On this particular day Chris was outside mowing the lawn. I was in the kitchen making a batch of mac & cheese cupcakes.

It should be noted that when I am cooking I spend a good amount of time shooing Liam out from under my feet so when he's quietly playing in the other room-well, I don't go looking for trouble.

The next thing I know Chris is standing at the fridge looking at me in disbelief as he asks: " Do you know what your son is doing?" Quickly noting that he is not at the table I reply "Judging from the look on your face I assume he is drawing on something you disapprove of."

I was not wrong.

I can say, for the record, that crayola washables are, indeed, washable.

Sweet revenge.

Scene: 7:00 am Saturday morning
Mommy wakes the sound of Liam stirring over the monitor. Mommy waits until his jibber-jabber turns to frustration because no one has come to spring him from the confines of his crib. Realizing that daddy has no intention of getting up to tend to his son, mommy rolls out of bed and staggers groggily to the nursery. Liam's grin upon seeing mommy is almost worth being woken so early. Almost. At this point Mommy has two options: take Liam downstairs to play quietly over coffee and juice or...



If mama's not happy aint nobody happy.

Spaghetti Dinner

Now that Liam has been going to the daycare at my gym, he's been catching all these little nasty germs that, every few weeks, turn into a runny nose or a ugly cough. Combine that with separation anxiety and squarely focusing all of his attention on walking and he doesn't have much interest in anything else, including eating.
He now turns his nose up at almost everything I put on his tray. Unless its a cookie or, apparently, spaghetti!

The south has made mama soft.

We've been having a bit of a cold snap here and as a result Liam hasn't been afforded the ample amount of outdoor play time he's accustomed to. Instead he just stands at the window and gazes longingly out into the yard.

Its audible. The sound of my heartbreaking when he does this, its audible.

Vogue

Liam has starting doing this thing.

And man, is it funny.


The first time he did it I thought it was just a fluke...

WHAT is the face all about? It kinda says: What the heck is going on here?

How did this happen? And how do I fix it?

But then, a few days later, he did it again and this time he was totally cool with it.






I mean, is he striking a pose or what?
Like: Ma look what I did! Its modern and flashy and all I need is a beaded clutch and I'm ready for a night on the town.

Hold your applause (until your mother gets up)

Whenever Liam gets excited he throws his hands in the air and waves them around. Its also his signature dance move which, incedently, is really funny when "Party in the USA" comes on over the radio.

All the baby books and websites say he should be clapping his hands by now and we all know that his development is a direct reflection of my parenting skills so I figured it was high time I set the bottle down and taught him something.

kidding...

Actually I've been trying to get him to clap for months. He usually just rolls his eyes at me and turns back to his newspaper.

So yesterday morning, I was sleeping in and Chris and Liam were downstairs. Chris was watching SportsCenter and Liam was... clapping.

He just started clapping. And Chris was all, "Hey Lara, look what I taught Liam to do"

Nice Liam, real nice.

Of course, now, he's a clapping fool.

I drop the remote on my foot and double over in pain, Liam claps.

Coral gets eaten by a barracuda, Liam claps.

Chris shouts at Wade Phillips, because that's what Chris does on Sundays, Liam claps
(secretly, I clap too).

Imitation is sincerely annoying.

"So Liam are you going to wear your gray wool sweater to the corn maze today?"

"Yeah? Cool, me too! Like totally."


"She always copies me."

You can leave your hat on

Liam got a new winter hat so Chris and I decided it would be a good idea to try it on and see how it suited him...

Liam DID NOT think this was a good idea.

Once we clarified that we were not laughing AT him but rather WITH him, he realized he was being over sensitive and apologized for his outburst.






Then we all had a good laugh together.

Fughetaboutit.

This is Vinny.

He'll make you and offer you can't refuse.